When You’re off to the Theater, Goshdarnit!


Hello, hello, hello!*
Broadway Lil here, your slightly irritating but ultimately lovable chipper theater geek pal!
Today I am here to inform you all of something quite important and btw, I’m super sorry this is so late but guess where I was yesterday? At coding class acting really intense and hackerish and working on making a new fabulous website! Yay!

I was thinking recently about sharing my knowledge with the world. Now as you all know, I am very wise and sophisticated and I really am in a great position to be mentoring the next generation.

Lillian Mottern is a highly regarded icon of many, many things, especially but not limited to: Classiness and Humble Bragging. She is also a world-renowned author who has published many books, including,”Next Time I’ll Wear Waterproof Mascara to Spring 
Awakening!” and “Coming to Terms With the Fact That You Can’t Be Besties With Jonathan Groff Because Lea Michele Already Took That Position”, which the New York Times called “The new Sears Roebuck! Perfect for those days when you run out of toilet paper!” She has long wanted to share her vast stores of knowledge with the next generation and is thrilled to pass on her legacy. She says, “or elcome” to her fans out there, which we interpreted to mean “I am humbled to meet such vibrant young people”. We aren’t sure because she’d just got a lot of Botox.

Ah, thank you, thank you! Ah, yes, well I am, as you just heard, a real expert on many matters and I am here today to share some tips with you, my dear friends.
Sometimes you will feel the urge to go see some kind of theatrical event. Ha ho, you might think, no biggie, I’ll just go to said theatrical event and then I’ll go home. It’s not such a big deal.
Um, hello?
It is a big deal and I am here today to help you be the absolute BELLE of the ball, in this case, the STAR of the theater. Because here’s the thing. If you don’t rock your fabulousness, who will? That is my question.
Now, first of all. What do you wear? No, no! Hush, child, hush! I don’t care if it’s community theater, I don’t care if it’s a one act play about being a part of the Shaker community in the middle of the nineteenth century that your hippie friends downstairs invited you to go see. I DO NOT CARE! You will keep up your classiness, goshdarnit!

Esh, bad language. Sorry.

I recommend wearing piano earrings and smiling like a lunatic when you go to the theater.

Now whatever you wear, whether you’re a boy or a girl, you have to make sure it actually makes you feel classy. Otherwise the classiness thing won’t really work out. But of course I have some OPINIONS about the proper attire.
For instance:

A pair of blackish pants
A not-gross sweater (only if you really can’t find anything else)
A suit, preferably a tuxedo
A fur stole
A fur stole isn’t optional
You can also always wear that greyish white t-shirt you have that says “Budweiser” on the front but if you do, I will disown you and for that matter, WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS SACREDLY THEATRICAL PLACE?!  WE ARE CLASSY! WE DRINK  CHAMPAGNE AND TALK IN BRITISH ACCENTS!

And wearing it ironically is NOT AN EXCUSE!

Now, after you get all dressed up you will have to somehow get to the theater. You can drive or take the bus but really the best option is to have someone drive you and drop you off, because then people will think you have a chauffer. Of course, if you are going to your theatrical event WITH someone you can eat dinner somewhere first. Or you can eat dinner someplace alone, I’m not going to say you can’t. You just have to make sure you look like a distant, slightly mentally ill actress (or actor) from 1943 while your sip your fizzy apple juice out of a cocktail glass. You can sort of cough weakly now and again and talk to yourself under your breath. You can also pretend to think the handsome waiter is your long-lost boyfriend, although that might not go so well.
Now, when you finally get to the theater, the ushers will have to peer into your bag with a little flashlight and you will have to make sure you sniff haughtily and pretend to be talking your agent on your cell phone because then the ushers will know that even though you have about twenty gum wrappers, eighty dollars in pennies, and several uncashed checks swimming around in the bottom of your bag, you are very dignified. When you finally get into the lobby you must buy the largest bag of not-peanut M&Ms available and slap your discount Goldstar ticket into the usher’s hand and march into the auditorium and sit down, all the while waving to people you might not exactly know but whatever.

It’s a good effect.

Now all you have to do is sit down and enjoy the show. Applaud really loudly and finish the M&Ms by the middle of Act 1. And be eternally fabulous, of course. Also, when you get out of the theater you should buy a $5 t-shirt from the man standing near the entrance. You don’t know about this?

I can totes show you if you invite me to a show, your treat!

I really must go but I’ll be back, soon you’ll see, my dears!

*So Lin said it first.

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