Thank gosh I finally got that weird Lillian girl out. What was she even doing here? She was fr-eaking me out. Who even is she? Never even heard of her before.
Now I am going to tell you all a very interesting story.
Lady Lil of Broadway once got a very tempting offer. It wasn’t her hand in marriage, though of course her royal estate was teaming with suitors at all times, just saying. No, the fair Lady got an offer to get a FREAKING BOOT-LEG COPY OF HAMILTON.
What the freaking HECK?! you yell. Who IS this girl?! HOW CAN I GET A HAMILTON BOOTLEG TOO?!
Well, listen, if you go gallivanting around town hollering that you love Hamilton and want to adopt/marry Lin, people notice. And what I’ve learned from years out in the field is this: Theater Geeks help Theater Geeks.
An eighty-year-old woman and a six-year-old girl can be friends because, because why? Because they both think Irving Berlin was hot.
And so you want Hamilton bootlegs and the added bonus of a gang of weird and incredibly loyal friends?
Become a theater geek.
After you become a theater geek (by yelling “I AM NOW A THEATER GEEK!”) you will need to somehow acquire a t-shirt that either says “24601” on the front or is adorned with a picture of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s face. This way people will know you are For Real. It also helps if you do a one-person show of Les Miserables on your front porch.
Now you need to find a theater group. If you cannot find one or don’t want to leave your house to go look for one because you don’t feel comfortable around sunlight, just follow a bunch of people on Twitter who have user names like @john_laurens and @fantine_literally_dies. And @_broadwaylil.
Your theater group will be filled with theater geeks who will teach you: Why Wicked can’t be your favorite show (way cliché), that Andrew Lloyd Webber stole most of Phantom of the Opera from Vivaldi (true story) and how to properly stalk Lin on Twitter (a true art).
When the day finally comes and you are pulled aside by your slightly tipsy (on pink lemonade, GOSH! We spend all our money on tickets to productions of Jesus Christ Superstar.) friend Jacob during an after-show cast party and he whispers, “’ay, oy got me some o’ ‘em ‘am’lton bootlegs” (the show you were just in was Oliver), you will know that all that wearing-of-Andrew-Lloyd-Webber’s-face-on-a-t-shirt was so worth it.
But then you’ll come back to reality. ‘Cause you’ll remember how you want to protect Lin. How you are so willing to punch anyone who tries to take his famous grey sweater. How it would break your heart if you broke his heart even if he never knew you broke his heart in the first place.
So you’ll turn to Jacob with tears rimming your eyes. You’ll look at Jacob who will still be in full costume. You’ll lean over and give Jacob a big kiss on the cheek. And you’ll say,
“HECK, YEAH, JACOB!”
Now, here is me, Broadway Lil, giving a disclaimer. And a confession.
I am too scared to watch the bootleg copy of Hamilton that I do have lying around.
I’m too scared.
Actually, maybe I’m not too scared. Maybe I just don’t want to break the heart of the person I would like to adopt/marry. Is that too much, people? I would totally get if it was.
“She freaking has a bootleg copy of Hamilton and she won’t watch it because she is too loyal to someone WHO DOESN’T EVEN FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER?!! WHAT KIND OF FREAK IS THIS GIRL?!”
Ya know what? Fine. Fine. I will watch it. When I turn thirty. Because by then hopefully I will have actually seen Hamilton. And you can so come over and watch it with me.