In Pursuit of Class




Sometimes when I get kind of insecure in social situations I close my eyes and I can sort of hear Carol Channing, Elizabeth Taylor, and Barbra Streisand hissing, “Class it up, honey.”

I know that sounds weird.

I have, since the age of 15,  been on a quest to achieve the epitome of classiness, whatever the heck that consists of. Sadly I have not always been on this quest. When I was a young chit of say, 13 or 14 I found that all I could focus on at once was:

A) Is that person judging my Hanna Andersson cloth headband in any way, shape, or form
B) I know I am Anastasia Romanov back from the dead
C) Is reading “War and Peace” on my kindle defeating the whole purpose of reading “War and Peace”
D) I am pretty sure that guy with the kale smoothie is an axe murderer

As you can see, my young self was not in any state to become an icon of the classy life. Whelp, times change. Since I am on this quest for classiness, you can be too. I am sure you appreciate this. You’re so welcome.


If you’re on the quest for the epitome of classiness, then join classiness expert, Lillian Mottern, pictured above. Since Lillian was 7 she has thought it would be fun to be a teacher. There is only one reason for this and it is: she wants to give kids pop quizzes. Sadly, she has realized there is more to being a teacher than that so her dreams have been momentarily crushed. She has also been informed that she has issues with getting off track when she’s talking about things and she apologizes. To get to the point, Lillian feels that the first step to your classy journey is taking a pop quiz. She wants say “You’re Welcome” to all her fans out there.

Wow, great promotional blurb.

Okay, take the quiz and then I’ll tell you your next step to CLASSINESS PERFECTION!

Sorry for yelling.

 💁💁Classiness is the Goal 💁

The Super Well-Named Quiz To Determine Your Classiness Level

1. When you are invited to a social event you want to go to do you:
A) Send a quick text that says: sur ill b thr
B) Don’t write back, show up two hours late, and then apologize profusely
C) RSVP on a scented notecard embossed in gold

2. Would you buy:
A) Whatever
B) A dress you hate but that’s in fashion
C) A pair of high-heeled jazz shoes

3. Should you sometimes adopt a British accent:
A) I can’t
B) I guess
C) Rather

4. If you don’t want to talk to someone should you:
A) Force yourself to talk to them
B) Um, I guess, I’ll talk to them
C) Say, “dahling, I rather have to scoot”*

*see number 3

5. If you doubt yourself you should:
A) Quit for good
B) Listen to “Feeling Good” by Nina Simone
C) Listen to “Feeling Good” by Michael Bublé

Results and Steps to Classy Perfection!

If you got mostly A’s you are super cool but you need to improve on respecting yourself and other people, which is important to being completely classy. Also, you might want to buy a long black coat. We all need one at some point. I wear mine and people know I’m the classiness icon everyone’s talking about

If you got mostly B’s: sneaky rascal! You are good at catching on and doing what you think will make you more likable but this isn’t what classy is all about. Your opinions and ideas are what make you classy. Don’t go wasting them. You listened to Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” because, okay, fine, because maybe it’s a little more respected than Michael Bublé’s but…

If you got mostly C’s, then, HUZZA! You are super classy, my dear. Michael Bublé’s rendition of “Feeling Good” is maybe a little newer than Nina Simone’s but what makes it classier to me is that I LIKE IT MORE. Because there it is. There’s what makes one achieve the epitome of classiness. Doing what you want to, being who you want to be. Classing it up eternally. So if you like Nina Simone better, yo qween, listen to that version and Class. It. UP!

And I’ll just be unrequitedly in love with Michael.

So, bye. You are classy.**


** Now. Thanks to me. See end of promotional blurb.

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